I'm really going through it aren't I?

My father has re-entered my life. That evil, conniving man couldn't stay away.

He heard of my plight, being unemployed and strapped for cash, and randomly sent me $1000. It's a lot, and I am grateful to have extra cash, but I have to wonder where it's coming from. I have to wonder if this is going to be used as leverage against me later down the line? It wouldn't be the first time he's done that with someone. I'm hesitant, to say the least.

On a more positive note, I could afford groceries this week. Yippee.

I'm being wrapped up in family drama ToT.

My estranged bio father, who I haven't seen or spoken to since 2020 is trying to reach out. I'm being told from all directions that I absolutely need to repair the relationship between us, despite his abusive nature. It's crazy, it's like everyone forgot how violent and insane he is. Somehow even my mother seems to have forgotten. Like, did you forget about the divorce???

On top of that, my mother is getting married to my stepfather in October, and they want me to be there, while I really don't. They have a astounding ability to pressuring you into feeling obligated to do things for them. The big issue with the wedding stuff is that no one in my family actually accepts me for being transgender, and they're going to try and force me into a dress. I have to have the uncomfortable conversation at some point with my mother, being all, "Either I get to wear a suit, or I won't be there," but I don't know how to broach that subject.

If that isn't enough, my two brothers are trying to re-enter my life yet again. These two men, they're white supremacists, neo-nazis, homicidal freaks, sex pests, domestic abusers, animal abusers; For some reason, want to associate themselves with the trans gay democratic socialist? My guess is they're going to attempt on my life again, but no one ever really knows with them two. They're unpredictable, and that's what makes them scary.

I moved out into my own place to get away from it, and here it is crawling back into my life. I want it gone, I want them gone, I just want peace from it all, and they keep trying to drag me back into it all. The only feasible thing I can think to do is move to a city a while away and cut contact yet again, but not only can I not afford it, but I risk them yet again tracking me down.

I just want to live.

Today is my 21st birthday.

Much to my dismay, I find myself not getting so drunk I get alcohol poisoning - Instead I'm in my bed, jobless, friendless, wishing for the motivation to even crawl out of bed and at least shower.

I'm struck with a sense of grief for myself. I remember being 11 thinking that I would never reach the age of 13, and then when I was 13, it was 14, then 15, then 16, and so on. I never thought I would reach this day, and thus I don't really know what I'm still doing here. I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of having overstayed my welcome, and I don't quite know what to do with that.

Other people my age are in Uni, or working, or starting families, or directing box office hits. I feel worthless in comparison.

I don't know what to do with all these feelings. I lack the energy, both physical and

mental, to put it into anything productive. I feel I can do nothing more than wallow in it.

I'm fucked guys :(

I owe 1.2k in tax debt to IRD, which I'm going to have to pay off at 20 bucks a week for the next two years :(. I tried to apply for financial hardship to just pay it off out of retirement funds, but I never heard anything back after my application :(. That means, after my rent I have gone down from having 70 bucks to spare, to 50 bucks to spare. 50 bucks every week to pay for groceries, pay bills, everything. I'm fucked :(.

In good news, I've applied to more jobs, I've passed house inspection with flying colours, and I'm looking at a rental property that is 100 bucks cheaper. Just have to pray they would accept someone that's unemployed.

So far I've been occupying my time be watching the series Interview With the Vampire, and also decided as a creative exercise to write down what I would change about Stranger Things in hindsight, specifically the abysmal mess that was the last season, which also requires rewatching it unfortunately.

It's my friend's birthday today. I sent a text congratulating her but I haven't heard anything back. I don't know if I ever will to be honest. It sucks, She was my only friend, who stuck by for 7 years through think and thin, and it's just been complete ghost from her. I don't know what I did, if I did anything, but it would be great to know why. Her stories on social media seem like she's in a good place in life, which is great. I just wish I was a part of it.

Not much has changed for me.

I did receive my severance - More money than I've ever had in my bank account at once. That's good, considering my benefit is less than my rent at the moment. Should keep me afloat for some time.

I finally started counselling, for the first time in years. I'm learning that my past workplace done fucked me up. Although, what's new?

I also have an inspection later this week, so I've been cleaning my house like a madman. Outside of that, I've been struggling to keep myself busy. But at least I have internet access. I've been trying to keep up on podcast episodes I've missed, and films I wasn't able to see in theaters (Still waiting on Backrooms to upload online so I can pirate it. I'm sorry Mr. Kane I would pay if I could)

I've heard The Mandela Catalogue is getting a film adaptation with the creator Alex Kister directing, with Spielberg producing. They better not fuck it up.

I've been struggling to have hope. Since leaving high school at the end of 2023, I had filled out a couple hundred job applications (I've lost count) and the literal only one that responded was my last job, who fired me. Since being fired, I've filled out 9 job applications. I haven't heard anything yet, but I wish they'd at least send an "Unfortunately," email.