I have *some* news

I got a job interview! It's tomorrow at a bottle store, I'm low-key nervous >-<.

I also got a response for a temporary fixed-term receptionist position at a doctor's office. If I play my cards right, I could do both at the same time :D

Family wise, My brother is on drugs again, or at least that's my conspiracy theory. I met my uncle, step-aunt, and nieces for the first time in years. They're nicer than I remember.

I've been thinking a lot about local politics. There are plans to build a data centre in my area, boo. Also, the government has announced a social media ban for under 16s.

I'm really pissed about that ban. If history has taught us anything, its that when you try to completely ban something, it almost never works, and also, when the government does something because "think of the children," they probably don't care about the children.

Also with that, this incompetent ass coalition government has a proven track record that they don't care about kids. They introduced fines for parents if their kids are truant from school, they funded the troubled teen industry, they took away the previous school lunches program and replaced it with inedible literal dog shit because "sushi is woke" They scrapped the NCEA education system and replaced it with a nonsensical AI-Generated plan because the education minister didn't understand NCEA (If thousands of kids each year can get introduced into it, and graduate with it, and the parents of those kids can understand the system, it's not the fault of the system that you're too dumb to get it, it's a you problem) They're also doing nothing for the fuel crisis, they don't care about kids in Palestine or Iran being blown up by the U.S. or Israel - The foreign affairs minister said as much himself on the public stage. They scrapped the "Smokefree by 2025" because the foreign affairs minister is a smoker who is backed by the tobacco industry, and the prime minister admitted he cares more for the "once in a life-time tourists on a cruise" rather than the people that actually live here. They've banned kids from going on puberty blockers because apparently us trans people are the biggest issue here, and they've introduced a bill banning trans people from using the bathroom of their choice. They don't give a fuck about kids, at all.

I think their lack of care for the kids in this country is emphasized with this bill. They're banning TikTok, Twitter, YouTube, Facebook and Snapchat, apps that, for the most part, are how kids nowadays get their news. But, they're leaving alone Discord, WhatsApp and Roblox, apps that are known for having pedophiles frequenting them. Oh, and of course they're not touching ChatGPT and Gemini, the AI platforms that are known to cause AI-psychosis in their users, and also has a history of encouraging kids to kill themselves.

I don't think it's a coincidence at all that they're trying to ban kids from accessing their news sources, especially when the tide is shifting among the youths, and they're no longer being blindly loyal to establishment legacy media. I don't think it's that much of a surprise they're trying to do this right before the election.

Tossers, the lot of them. Gotta vote those cunts out this November. Enroll and vote those wankers out of governemt

I'm very quietly annoyed and I need to rant about something.

So, I think everyone that is on the side of the internet that discusses internet horror, or cryptids, or some literature, have heard of that guy Wendigoon. I most certainly have.

Up until now I assumed that he was a professional fence-sitter when it came to poltitcs, but at least his videos are decent quality and well-researched? He may not cite his research in the description but at least he talks about some secondary sources in some of his videos? I was mistaken.

He just dropped his latest installment on his "Cryptid Iceberg," which I was quietly excited for because he was set to cover the Taniwha, of Māori mythos; A Kaitianga (guardian) which is all over the surviving Māori mythos. You can imagine my disappointment when that section came up and he mis-pronounces every term involved, like badly, as if he didn't even try to look up pronunciation guides for any of it.

Also he put it on "C tier" because "There isn't really a lot of info on it" but also "I like how it's still relevant today that it impacts laws and stuff, just in case this thing existed." I have to ask if he did any research for himself?

There is barely any written info on it because Māori are oral storytellers, and the country was brutally colonised by the British. You know, something that is very well-known about New Zealand? Us white people didn't just spawn here, genius. Māori were brutalized, and the wounds of this brutalisation are still felt today, especially on the surviving Māori mythos.

Māori traditions and stories impact NZ law because not only the existence of Te Tiriti o Waitangi, our founding document, but tireless protest and activism by Māori got them *some* Māori Land rights. You know, the rights that state that Māori have a right to retain, occupy, develop, and control what happens to Māori-owned land? Of course that's going to include sacred sites??? Including the site of a Taniwha??? (Not that the government often care for this act, or Māori rights, but that's besides the point) Did he do any research of his own or did he get an assistant to do half-assed research on it? And he didn't even try to fact-check it himself? All of this is found via a quick internet search, I don't know why he isn't able to do that himself, nor his apparent assistant.

And, hey, I don't expect everyone outside of NZ to have as much education as I do on my country, Hell, I'm not even Māori, but if you're going to talk about the mythos of an indigenous culture, at least research it??? And learn how to pronounce the words you so thoughtlessly butcher.

I always had a bad feeling about Wendigoon, considering his affiliation with right-wing sloptubers, and his previous affiliation with a right-wing anti-trans organisation, When I found that out, I kept him at a figurative, cautious arms-length, and falsely assumed he had probably moved on from that crowd so it was fine for me to watch his videos as long as I watched them with a critical eye, but apparently not. And I can say that because the allergy to curiosity and good research is something that is characteristic of the right-wing, and because he still actively keeps up these affiliations with these right-wingers, he should be treated as a right-winger himself. Now that he's covered something I'm deeply familiar with, I now know for a fact he doesn't even try with his research, if it's even his to begin with.

I'm reminded of that quote, "He talked about cars/rockets/space/whatever, and I knew nothing about that, so I thought he was smart. Then he talked about computers, and I know about computers so I knew he was fucking stupid, had no idea what he was talking about, and no one should be listening to him at all.

I'm deeply disappointed in the guy, and I look forward to not supporting his channel.

I'm in much of the same position as last week. Only difference is I ran out of gas for my hot water on Friday night, and because they're not in office over the weekend, I was only able to call and have them refilled today, so I haven't been able to have a proper shower in a while. (I can't take back a cold shower ok) (Plus it's winter in NZ, and fucking cold) In a way, I'm unemployed-maxxing lol

On a positive note, I've been getting better with my cooking! I have my own Louis-exclusive signature ramen I make now. I use Shin Ramen from Korea, I cook the full thing, add roughly 1/2 cup of noodle-water to the bowl to mix the seasoning and vege sachets. Strain and add noodles into bowl, I guesstimate a tablespoon of Kewpie mayo, mix it in, and I add in cut up bacon and the base of a couple spring onions chopped (in the pan with the bacon for about 15-30 sec) I mix in the bacon and spring onion, and I add cut-up beef sausage (2 of them, I'm greedy) with a garnish of finely chopped spring onion leaf. Genuinely so good and all without outside help :D

Outside of good food, I've been trying to keep myself busy by cluttering up the walls in my house with decor. The current project is cross-stitching (I'm too stupid for embroidery) the carpet pattern from The Shining into some canvas. Current hurdle to jump is transferring the pattern I made onto spare waste canvas, and afterward, having to find a way to attach it to the canvas so I can use it as a guide for pre-poking the holes. I tried tape, didn't work, and the piece I'm using is so small I can't really wrap it around the canvas fully. I think the best bet is to make the whole pattern and tack it down with a couple stiches in so it stays secure.

I dunno, just tying not to die of boredom. Speaking of, I have continued applying for jobs and I still haven't heard anything. I'm beginning to set my employment sights on cities a couple hours away, but finances and logistics are the big issue there.

I'm really going through it aren't I?

My father has re-entered my life. That evil, conniving man couldn't stay away.

He heard of my plight, being unemployed and strapped for cash, and randomly sent me $1000. It's a lot, and I am grateful to have extra cash, but I have to wonder where it's coming from. I have to wonder if this is going to be used as leverage against me later down the line? It wouldn't be the first time he's done that with someone. I'm hesitant, to say the least.

On a more positive note, I could afford groceries this week. Yippee.

I'm being wrapped up in family drama ToT.

My estranged bio father, who I haven't seen or spoken to since 2020 is trying to reach out. I'm being told from all directions that I absolutely need to repair the relationship between us, despite his abusive nature. It's crazy, it's like everyone forgot how violent and insane he is. Somehow even my mother seems to have forgotten. Like, did you forget about the divorce???

On top of that, my mother is getting married to my stepfather in October, and they want me to be there, while I really don't. They have a astounding ability to pressuring you into feeling obligated to do things for them. The big issue with the wedding stuff is that no one in my family actually accepts me for being transgender, and they're going to try and force me into a dress. I have to have the uncomfortable conversation at some point with my mother, being all, "Either I get to wear a suit, or I won't be there," but I don't know how to broach that subject.

If that isn't enough, my two brothers are trying to re-enter my life yet again. These two men, they're white supremacists, neo-nazis, homicidal freaks, sex pests, domestic abusers, animal abusers; For some reason, want to associate themselves with the trans gay democratic socialist? My guess is they're going to attempt on my life again, but no one ever really knows with them two. They're unpredictable, and that's what makes them scary.

I moved out into my own place to get away from it, and here it is crawling back into my life. I want it gone, I want them gone, I just want peace from it all, and they keep trying to drag me back into it all. The only feasible thing I can think to do is move to a city a while away and cut contact yet again, but not only can I not afford it, but I risk them yet again tracking me down.

I just want to live.

Today is my 21st birthday.

Much to my dismay, I find myself not getting so drunk I get alcohol poisoning - Instead I'm in my bed, jobless, friendless, wishing for the motivation to even crawl out of bed and at least shower.

I'm struck with a sense of grief for myself. I remember being 11 thinking that I would never reach the age of 13, and then when I was 13, it was 14, then 15, then 16, and so on. I never thought I would reach this day, and thus I don't really know what I'm still doing here. I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of having overstayed my welcome, and I don't quite know what to do with that.

Other people my age are in Uni, or working, or starting families, or directing box office hits. I feel worthless in comparison.

I don't know what to do with all these feelings. I lack the energy, both physical and

mental, to put it into anything productive. I feel I can do nothing more than wallow in it.

I'm fucked guys :(

I owe 1.2k in tax debt to IRD, which I'm going to have to pay off at 20 bucks a week for the next two years :(. I tried to apply for financial hardship to just pay it off out of retirement funds, but I never heard anything back after my application :(. That means, after my rent I have gone down from having 70 bucks to spare, to 50 bucks to spare. 50 bucks every week to pay for groceries, pay bills, everything. I'm fucked :(.

In good news, I've applied to more jobs, I've passed house inspection with flying colours, and I'm looking at a rental property that is 100 bucks cheaper. Just have to pray they would accept someone that's unemployed.

So far I've been occupying my time be watching the series Interview With the Vampire, and also decided as a creative exercise to write down what I would change about Stranger Things in hindsight, specifically the abysmal mess that was the last season, which also requires rewatching it unfortunately.

It's my friend's birthday today. I sent a text congratulating her but I haven't heard anything back. I don't know if I ever will to be honest. It sucks, She was my only friend, who stuck by for 7 years through think and thin, and it's just been complete ghost from her. I don't know what I did, if I did anything, but it would be great to know why. Her stories on social media seem like she's in a good place in life, which is great. I just wish I was a part of it.

Not much has changed for me.

I did receive my severance - More money than I've ever had in my bank account at once. That's good, considering my benefit is less than my rent at the moment. Should keep me afloat for some time.

I finally started counselling, for the first time in years. I'm learning that my past workplace done fucked me up. Although, what's new?

I also have an inspection later this week, so I've been cleaning my house like a madman. Outside of that, I've been struggling to keep myself busy. But at least I have internet access. I've been trying to keep up on podcast episodes I've missed, and films I wasn't able to see in theaters (Still waiting on Backrooms to upload online so I can pirate it. I'm sorry Mr. Kane I would pay if I could)

I've heard The Mandela Catalogue is getting a film adaptation with the creator Alex Kister directing, with Spielberg producing. They better not fuck it up.

I've been struggling to have hope. Since leaving high school at the end of 2023, I had filled out a couple hundred job applications (I've lost count) and the literal only one that responded was my last job, who fired me. Since being fired, I've filled out 9 job applications. I haven't heard anything yet, but I wish they'd at least send an "Unfortunately," email.